


no chair sex was had

by BlueMoonHound, Capitola



Series: hide and seek [2]
Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: (because lucretia brings that up again), Arthritis, Cuddling & Snuggling, F/M, Floor Sex, Introspection, Penis In Vagina Sex, Trans Male Character, Vaginal Fingering, implied past iprelationship, implied/referenced past pregnancy, transactional sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-06
Updated: 2018-03-06
Packaged: 2019-03-27 15:59:45
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,104
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13884246
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BlueMoonHound/pseuds/BlueMoonHound, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Capitola/pseuds/Capitola
Summary: “Tired.” Lucretia puts her shoes neatly by the door and sits down in her desk chair. “Did you have anything specific you wanted to try today?”“I, uh, yes.”“Well, spit it out.” Lucretia smiles a little.“Um, well, I was going to ask about penetrative sex?”“You want to put your dick in my cooch.”Kravitz clears his throat. “Um. Yes.”





	no chair sex was had

**Author's Note:**

> More Bullshit for all y'all lovely readers. :p  
> \--secret, smaller author

Things at the BoB have been hectic lately– She's getting the boys ready to go on another trip planetside, mostly in research. And it's the kind of research which is simultaneously thrilling, terrifying, and boring, because the person who got their hands on the gaia sash is a petty thief gone utterly wrong. She has three meetings in a row, today, and the third one, well – the third one is with Kravitz.

Meetings with Kravitz don’t exactly make her nervous -- they’re, unusually exciting, if she’s going to be perfectly honest. Kravitz is gorgeous and flustered and sweet. She hasn’t gotten anything that good since the century, either. She missed having friends. Not that she’d consider Kravitz her friend, that might be overstepping. He’s, well, he’s something. A business partner. She forces herself to sit still and take notes while another seeker gives her the latest information from Goldcliff. 

By the time she gets out of all the meetings, her feet hurt and her back hurts and she’d just like to lie down for a little while. Her body sucks and she hates it. At least it was her, and not someone else. At least she was the one who learned what Wonderland was like, and not, well, gods forbid, another member of the IPRE. Anyone she cares about. She feels a pang of guilt, because she left someone behind in there. She wonders if Cam is still alive. She hopes, for his sake, that he isn’t. 

She opens her office door with five minutes to spare and lets out a long, exhausted sigh, shucking off her flats. 

“Hello.”

Lucretia startles. She looks up, and sure enough, there is Kravitz, early, sitting politely in the guest chair. His legs are folded, his hands placed on top of each other across his lap. His ears drop a little when he sees her reaction. 

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to startle you.”

“It’s fine.” She huffs on a chuckle, then bends to pick up her shoes. Her back protests. 

“How are you?”

“Tired.” Lucretia puts her shoes neatly by the door and sits down in her desk chair. “Did you have anything specific you wanted to try today?”

“I, uh, yes.”

“Well, spit it out.” Lucretia smiles a little. 

“Um, well, I was going to ask about penetrative sex?”

“You want to put your dick in my cooch.”

Kravitz clears his throat. “Um. Yes.”

“Are you, well, are you  _ fertile _ ?”

Kravitz blinks again, obviously surprised by the question. “Um. I don’t think so? This body is a construct the Raven Queen gave me, I don’t see what reason there would be for me to be fertile. Besides, I didn’t have these genitals while I was alive. Obviously I am capable of ejaculating but I’m not sure what I produce is even semen.”

“That’s grossly specific, Kravitz.”

“Well, so is saying I want to put my dick in your cooch. Which is true, but also blunt.”

Lucretia lets her smile widen a little. Kravitz is such an interesting character. If this ever ends, when this ends -- she’s going to miss it. She’s not sure that she’ll remember her mortal life in the astral plane, but if she does, she’s going to miss  _ this _ . Her heart aches just a little more at the thought. There’s things she already misses, painfully, so painfully that there’s a constant, ragged hole in her chest, but she keeps managing to make new things to miss for herself. New people to care about. It’s probably a mistake, in the long run. Not that she was ever particularly wise. 

“Why is that even an issue, if you don’t mind me asking? I wouldn’t think someone your age would have to deal with, well, fertility.”

“Kravitz, how old do you think I am?”

Kravitz blinks.

She continues. “And don't be a gentleman about it, really.”

“I really couldn't say, in your fifties? Fifty-four?” He shrugs. “Just tell me.”

“I was twenty-three when we left home, and I was a hundred and twenty-three when we arrived here. Easier to cut that down to twenty-three because I never aged a day. I've lived here fourteen years. A few years into my time here, I ran afoul of some bad magic, and it aged me badly. Twenty years.”

“So you're fifty-seven?”

“Not exactly. I still menstruate.”

“Well, if it's any consolation, I'm dead,” Kravitz chuckles.

Lucretia allows herself a laugh as well, but sobers quickly. “It’s safe to say that I am, reproductively speaking, in my late thirties. It’s still both a possibility for me to have children and a dangerous one, especially as I am.”

“Well, I don’t think I’m fertile,” Kravitz says, with some finality. It settles the anxious fluttering in her chest, anyway. Lucretia lets out a huff of breath and stands back up (her back still hurts, what she wouldn’t do for a massage instead of sex) and walks around the desk, standing in front of Kravitz’s chair. He’s already a little bit hard, she can tell, which amuses her more than anything. She tries sliding forward, onto his chair, and manages to get about halfway up his thighs before her hips protest and she has to stop, letting her head fall forward onto his chest. 

“What’s wrong?”

“Hips.” She grimaces. They haven’t magically stopped being in pain just because she stopped moving, either. The dull ache is far from sexy and incredibly distracting. 

“We can do something else.”

“I was excited for chair sex.” She tries folding her legs up on the chair, squishing Kravitz’s legs together while she does. He makes an adorable little yelping noise. 

...No, that isn’t working either. And her back is still hurting from her long day’s work, to top it all off. She gets off the chair. 

“Nevermind.” She sighs. She opts for sitting down in his lap like a child, rather than straddling, just to give herself a moment to think. He runs his fingers through her cropped-short curls, which feels amazing. She leans her face into his neck. “Give me a moment. I’m not going back on the promise of sex just because of arthritis.”

Kravitz doesn’t argue. After a few minutes, Lucretia comes up with an idea. 

“Don’t move, and don’t touch yourself, I’ll be right back,” Lucretia instructs, and then she steps back into her private chambers and gathers up pillows from her room. This is better than nothing. She hauls it all out in her quilt and lays it on the floor of her office. “Are you okay with missionary today? I’m not sure I’m up for anything else and I’d really, really like to lay down.”

“That’s-- yes, of course, we don’t have to do this right now --”

“Hush. It’s fine. I’m glad you’re being so accommodating, Kravitz. Don’t blue-balls yourself.”

“No, this is fine.”

Lucretia lies down slowly, and sighs as soon as she’s horizontal. The sigh turns into a pleased groan halfway through, much to her embarrassment. She hears Kravitz get up, and then feels him sit down on her legs, not very close to her groin at all. He stays there until Lucretia gathers the energy to sit up on her own accord and pull him into a kiss. 

Kravitz reaches down between her legs, unfastening her belt and sliding a hand under her skirt. She breaks the kiss with a gasp. What an odd way to learn that she’s not into temperature play. 

“Your hands are cold, Kravitz,” Lucretia says. 

“Oh, uh,” Kravitz mumbles, and then he presses the same hand which was just in her pubic hair against her neck, making her wince again. “Do you mind if I use your body heat to warm up, or would you rather I find a sink?”

“No need,” Lucretia says, casting a heating spell. It doesn’t quite reach his fingers, though, and she has another idea. “Hey. Can you put those chilly fingers on my back?”

Kravitz obliges, and - oh, that’s good, that’s so good. Lucretia can’t even hold back the moan of contentment as his fingers cool away her aches. 

“That good?”  
“I’ve had a _long_ day.”

“Hmmm.” Kravitz’s hands are becoming less and less nice with the second, which, she supposes, was the point. 

“You’re all set, cold boy,” she says. 

“Excellent.” He smiles. “I’m just going to, ah,  _ warm you up _ . If you know what I mean.”

“I figured.” She returns the smile. 

He slips his fingers back between her legs, circling her clit with one finger. She’s not all that hard, yet. She grabs one of his ears and yanks him over to kiss her with his pretty mouth - and that’s warm now, too, warm and soft. She grins into the kiss. This is  _ much  _ better. Kravitz rolls her clit between two fingers and she feels herself get a little slicker, just for him. She pets the ear she used to pull him forward, remembering how that felt for Taako. Oh gods, Taako. She sucks in a breath, breaking the kiss for just a moment. 

Lucretia grabs Kravitz’s hips and pulls him up onto her thighs. He squeaks again when his own arm hits the press of his erection in his pants. She grins and pushes down her skirt and her underwear, then pulls her arms out of the sleeves of her robe. She’s aware that she’s wearing a sleeveless shirt today. She watches Kravitz’s eyes explore the sinews of her shoulders and biceps. She realizes that she’s never really undressed for Kravitz before, and the moment grows more interesting. 

“Enjoying the view?” She purrs.

“Yes,” Kravitz stutters, shuddering. She puts a hand against his dick and gives it a rub. He tries to rut into her hand. 

“Let’s get this show on the road, then. Get your pants off.” She pushes Kravitz off her and makes sure her skirt is a reasonable distance from the whole situation. She watches Kravitz fumble with his buckle, push his pants and underwear down, and realize he’s still wearing his shoes. She laughs out loud, watching him try to kick them off without unlacing them, dick bouncing. He blushes a little harder, ears dipping, and she slaps a hand over her mouth. She’s getting too comfortable. 

“Sorry,” Kravitz mumbles, finally clothed in only socks and a button down. She’d make a comment about socks and sex, but she’s still wearing her own stockings, and besides, she’s messed up a little too much at this point.

“No, Kravitz, you’re fine.” She strokes his cheek when he’s back in reach. “This is for you, remember?”

“Yeah,” Kravitz says. He lifts her hips up onto his legs, and she groans, shifting on the pillow so her back isn’t hurting  _ quite  _ as much. It earns her a worried glance, but she waves him on. 

“Do you think I’ll fit?”

“Kravitz. I know exactly how big your dick is. I know exactly how big my cooch is. You will fit. You will be perfectly fucking fine.” Lucretia has to bite back another laugh. She has taken  _ much  _ bigger dicks in her long life. Then, her heart aches, because she misses the people those dicks were attached to, and hell, some of them she might never--  she locked Barry  _ out _ , he’s just  _ gone _ . 

This train of thought is ruining the mood. She pushes thoughts of the crew out of her mind and focuses on Kravitz’s strong hands as he runs them up her still-clothed torso, on his mouth when it reaches her lips. His cock prods at her entrance and she ruts into it, more excited than she expected herself to be. He slides into her, a finger finding her clit again, and she moans into his mouth. In a lot of ways, he’s nothing like what she’s used to, but it’s a good feeling. His dick rubs against her in a steady rhythm that makes her almost forget the pain in her joints. 

She comes before Kravitz does, but doesn’t say anything, because this is for him, this is for him and to protect her from her own demise, not something to seek pleasure with. She kisses him through her oversensitivity and the pain in her back and runs a long finger down his earlobe, drawing a moan from his lips. He stutters inside her and comes with just as little warning as she had, clutching her tight against his chest. 

They lay there for a minute. Lucretia feels thoroughly drained. At least she doesn’t have to make any pretense of holding herself up anymore. She wouldn’t mind sinking into the pillows beneath her and becoming one with their fabric. 

She feels him pull out of her, gasping just a little at the sensation. “Did you come?” he asks. 

“Yeah,” Lucretia sighs, a little befuddled. Why does he care?

“Good.” She can feel the warmth in his voice. He flops back against the pillows next to her. 

Her thighs are sticky. 

She’ll worry about that later. For now, there are pillows. 

She’s a little cold. 

She doesn’t want to move, so she just finds the edge of the quilt she used to carry the pillows out and rolls herself into it. Good enough. 

“Are you alright?” Kravitz asks, sounding just as sated as she feels. 

“Mhm. Cold.”

“I could -- no, nevermind, I don’t know where your bedroom is.”

It takes a minute for her brain to kick enough into gear to realize the  _ one problem _ with this situation. 

"Kravitz. Can you. Pop outside.  _ without  _ opening the door. and set it to do not disturb?" 

"Couldn't you just lock it?"

"Do not disturb will keep my magic boys out," Lucretia mumbles, half asleep.

“Magic boys?”

“Mmmagic boys.”

She hears Kravitz pulling on his pants, the sound of his fly zipping. He does a few other things she can’t quite pick out and then cuts a rift. Lucretia sinks a few inches deeper into the pillows, but then he’s back again. 

“I locked it, too,” he says. 

“Thank.”

“Do you want me to stick around? I can, I don’t have any work to do --”

“Y’don’gotta.” She’s gonna fall asleep here, anyway. “You’re good, skele-man.” 

Shitting fucks, she sounds like Taako when she’s tired. She wonders for a fleeting moment what that means about Taako himself.

“Hm.” There’s an audible pause, and then she feels Kravitz unwrap her blanket burrito and- cast prestidigitation. The mess between her thighs vanishes. Lucretia sighs. 

“Yr a magic boy,” she says, cracking an eye open. 

“Yes, I am a bard.” 

“You’re staying?” she says, surprised. 

“Didn’t really want to leave.”

“Tha’s sweet.”

“You sound drunk.”

“Tired.” She chews her bottom lip. “ _ Could _ be drunk, if that floats your bubble.”

“No, that’s quite alright.” She can hear warmth in his tone. 

“I’m still cold,” she grumbles. Kravitz laughs, and she feels him lifting her legs. He puts back on her panties and then her skirt, leaving it untucked. She turns her head and sees him fiddling with his belt. “What are you doing?”

“I figure you probably don’t want to cuddle while I’m wearing this. In my experience it’s not the most comfortable sensation.”

“Oh, yeah.” Lucretia is starting to wake up a little, now. She finds the sleeves of her robe and pulls it on over her shoulders. It hasn’t had enough time to really cool down, yet, so it serves as a blanket as much as the rest of the bullshit around her. She pulls the thin silk belt closed around her waist and ties it in a simple bow. 

Kravitz lies down on the floor and pulls her into his side. He blinks in the light of the magical ceiling lamp, his lashes glowing. Her thoughts wander. It’s been a long time since she had sex like this-- it’s been a long time since she came, for anyone. It felt really good. She drifts, and her mind lands on something in particular that Kravitz had said, about not having these reproductive organs when he was alive. What could he have meant by that? Is he trans? 

“Have you ever had a child, Kravitz?”

Kravitz turns his head to look at her, eyebrows rocketing up. “No, have you?”

“Yeah,” she says. “I have a son.”

“Does he live here?”

“No, I haven’t seen him in person in a very long time.” She sighs. “I might soon, though.”

“Why-- If you don’t mind me asking, why is that?”

“When I was younger - what am I saying, it wasn’t even twelve years ago,” she begins. “I mean, on our journey, I’ve told you... it was a long hundred years. We all were - pretty close.” She folds her fingers together and stares at them. “Intimately so. When we chose to stay here, we started to drift apart, and things were difficult, and - well, you know. One friend and I - we slept together because we were scared and bored and didn’t know what else to do. And then I found I was going to have a child, and he wanted to give it a go, being parents and friends, but he - he had to go away, for work. And I had the child, but I was alone and I had my work here to do, so I gave him up.

“The child, he’s...he’s shown up again. Surfaced as part of the work I’m doing. His adoptive family is gone now, and he’s making his own way in the world. He’s - he’s found out what Bureau is, and he’s looking into that in a way I can’t ignore, and if he were anyone else I would have already offered him a job.”  
“But you don’t want to tell him you’re his mother?”  
“If I were to try to tell him I’d have to let him in on more of what’s going on. I’m almost certain that the static would take away what I was trying to say if I were to tell him everything.”

“You should hire him,” Kravitz says, turning away from her again. “The world is getting more dangerous every day. I know, well, I know from work.” She feels his hand clench just a little, the way it does when he wants to summon his scythe. She rubs his back. 

“I think I will,” Lucretia decides. 

They lay there, quiet and peaceful, for a few long minutes. Lucretia drinks in the quiet. 

“Oh,” Kravitz says.

“Hmm?”

“My lady wants me.” He extricates himself from Lucretia’s arms and sits up. “I think it’s pretty urgent.” He stands up.

“Good luck,” Lucretia calls after him, pulling the blanket further over herself. 

“Thank you. I’ll see you in a few days.”

“See you.”

**Author's Note:**

> Last night the Smaller Author and I were talking about how we needed to add another short fic to make some dialogue happen before we can post other things we have planned. They churn out words at an extraordinary speed and so now we have this work. The next work for the series will probably go up around Taakitz week, which I think gives some idea of where things are headed next. ;)


End file.
